by Stef Nunez & LE Francis
We’re back with another October of horror movie picks. Our first episode is out now wherever you listen to podcasts, but if you don’t have time for the full episode, here’s a quick breakdown of our opinions.
1 The Baby in the Basket
Child cursed with ugly, stupid sexy nuns, look at this & tell me there is a god
Long, boring, & stupid – the ultimate #31daysofhorror trifecta to kick off our first attempt in 2 years. This movie hit every. boring. note. A bad nun brings corruption into the convent, fox in the henhouse, why doesn’t god talk to me?, laughable effects with an unlaughable storyline, killing fucking everyone for no actual reason. All of that to say nothing, & take a really long time to say it. It was too stupid to offer up anything profound & too serious to be funny. I would be madder about it if I wasn’t so glad it was finally over. — L
Rating
L: 1 C.H.U.D.
Stef: O C.H.U.D.s
Average: 0.5 C.H.U.D.s
2 The Beyond
Haunted house windfall, spaghetti evil dead, you’re crazy bitch
Day 2 & still no cohesive story but at least this one had cool effects & made an attempt at being art. This movie was full of eerie, offputting scenes that made me say “I know it wouldn’t look that way but I can’t prove it.” It was a wild ride of goofy kills with no cohesive lore or resolution (tbf this is movie 2 of a 3 movie series, so I could be missing context), but the effects & elvish synth soundtrack saves it. Mostly.
Rating
L: 3.5 C.H.U.D.s
Stef: 3.5 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 3.5 C.H.U.D.s
3 Luz
Surprise, you get to read!, edgy typa artsy, wtf (derogatory)
It was weird enough to keep my attention for a minute before veering off into whatever the fuck the writers/director thought passed for a plot. I started at 2.75 rating for making me ask what the fuck? with genuine curiosity the first time but by the second & third times, I was done. Honestly, I only need to see a guy double lobotomize himself with a pen & rub his bloody snot in his hair once in my lifetime. I’m good now, thanks. — L
Rating
L: 2.5 C.H.U.D.s
Stef: 2.5 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 2.5 C.H.U.D.s
4 Daddy’s Head
Isn’t grief the real monster?, D&D ass monster, unlikely adoption story
I felt “Daddy’s Head” was aggressively mid. They had the building blocks of an interesting story but ultimately, I was left with more logistical questions than imaginative ones. The imagery & vocalization of the monster was shitty modern cg slop — I did laugh out loud when I saw the thing & I appreciated that but it didn’t really answer any of the thousand why thoughs I had built up in my head. The faceless skull was kind of cool & the end brought it up from a 2 rating because at least it resolved something. — L
Rating
L: 3 C.H.U.D.s
Stef: 3.25 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 3.25 C.H.U.D.s (or 3.125 if you’re a nerd.)
5 Parasomnia
Wtf (neutral), that’s not sleep apnea, this whole movie was a choice
If we had maybe one less level of convolution to the plot, it would have floated. The cast’s performance was easily the best so far (but the bar is in hell), the effects rode the line (the dream sequences were fire though), the storytelling wanted to be there & yet – it just didn’t connect in the end. I genuinely hate the perpetuation of the trope that any non-Christian magical/spiritual tradition is a spooky other, cruel & inhumane, based solely on seeking power. I feel like if your story hinges on a 2d view framing a pagan spiritual practice as a boogeyman, you may need a new story. — L
Rating
L: 3.25 C.H.U.D.s
Stef: 2.75 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 3 C.H.U.D.s
6 The Mortuary Assistant
Murderous cadavers not produced by WWE, creepy guy is creepy duh, inconsistent/incoherent
This movie reminded me of “See No Evil” in all the worst ways. & somehow managed to be worse in pretty much every way. & this shit is based on a video game? I’ve never been so glad to have crippling motion sickness. I puked for Banjo Kazooie, I puked for DragonAge, I wouldn’t endure even the slightest acid burp for this shit. It was also a solid 1 until it just kept going. SHUT THE FUCK UP, OH MY GOD. — L
Rating
L: 0.5 C.H.U.D.s
Stef: 0.5 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 0.5 C.H.U.D.s
7 The Dark & The Wicked
Goats 🐐, utterly drenched in grief, folksy horror
If I was being hypercritical, I’d rate this one a 3 & downgrade everything from there… but that would put some picks in the negative. This movie did just enough with the desolate setting, unsettling & complex characters, & odd grief-paralleled demonic possession story to pass w the ambiguous ending. I wasn’t satisfied but I was entertained. Who would have thought that the only relatable Michael would be hog-coded? — L
Too many goddamn goats. — Stef
Rating
L: 3.75 C.H.U.D.s
Stef: 3.5 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 3.75 C.H.U.D.s (or 3.625 if you’re a nerd)
8 Heresy
Every man is awful, folk horror reading, worm science
Full disclosure: You have to read this one too (oop, I tried to banish subtitled movies to week 4) but I was too wrapped up in the story to be mad about it. Me for half of the movie: If someone doesn’t say sike & send a tree man out of the woods hanging impressive dong to rip this ugly mullet man limb from limb soon I’m going to throw my TV out the window. Me after the forest demon presents femme: nevermind I’m cool with that, nothing like seeing a woman killing it in a male dominated field. My b, but I can appreciate holy ghost typa pregnancy here because I can’t think of her recovering from a 4th degree tear without modern medicine to perpetuate a hateful halitosis having bitch’s bloodline. — L
Rating
L: 4 C.H.U.D.s
Stef: 4 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 4 C.H.U.D.s (or 3.625 if you’re a nerd)
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