A Ghost in the Magazine, 31 Days of Horror: Week 3, Why won’t you just go to therapy?

by Stef Nunez & LE Francis

We’re back with another October of horror movie picks. Our third episode is out now wherever you listen to podcasts, but if you don’t have time for the full episode, here’s a quick breakdown of our opinions.

16 – Gazer

Ultimate unreliable narrator, baked in pacing excuse, exhausting

After watching that movie I think I might have dyschronometria. — L

Ratings

L: 2 C.H.U.D.s
Stef: 2 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 2 C.H.U.D.s

17 – Strange Darling

PNW fuckshit, yes all men & several women as well, GTFO

Don’t tell me a film is based off a true story for “true crime” effect; don’t tell me it’s raining while you’re pissing down my back. I mean, at least I expected to get jerked around like all the true crime docs do, & I did get jerked around. The hero is still an asshole despite convoluting the entire timeline to frame it otherwise. Also, I watched Punky Brewster as a kid, you can’t hide in a freezer or refrigerator, shit is airtight, she would be dead. There was a whole PSA episode about it. — L

Ratings

Stef: 3.75 C.H.U.D.s
L: 1 C.H.U.D.
Average: 2.5 C.H.U.D.s (or 2.375 if you’re a nerd)

18 – Villains

Formulaic black comedy, everyone sucks here & I don’t care what happens

It’s not a bad movie per se, nor was it really a slog to get through, it just wasn’t for me. If you love Rob Zombie movies but think they should be more comedic, this is probably the movie for you. Everyone sucks & the only stakes are that one couple is kind of young and cute but still shitty people & unreliable narrators that probably have half a dozen issues in the wait to complicate my already overtaxed, failing interest in a basic bitch plot.

Ratings

Stef: 2.5 C.H.U.D.s
L: 2.5 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 2.5 C.H.U.D.s

19 – Possession

Psychological high melodrama, Sam Neil slap fighting, ineffective spousal abuse

Yeah, this is artistic af & yeah, I can see how a lot of this screaming & slap fighting is a metaphor for a bad marriage, for becoming yourself as something outside of a bad marriage, as something but I’m so tired. There are a million different ways to approach these metaphors but for me, beating the shit out of each other incredibly ineffectively and manifesting a goop monster to bang aren’t really top. Sensorily I’m going to need 3-5 business days to recover from this one. — L

Ratings

Stef: 4 C.H.U.D.s
L: 0.75 C.H.U.D.
Average: 2.5 C.H.U.D.s (or 2.375 if you’re a nerd)

20 – Slumber Party Massacre II

Corporate rock vomit fest, fear Fonzi’s phalic Fender, titties out immediately

This is a certain type of movie that was momentarily popular in the ‘80s & it is definitely of its time – a time where horror as a genre borrowed its vibes from porn. But the important underlying fact is that this movie never pretends to be something it’s not. It promises you a massacre at a slumber party and it delivers & never do you expect it to be good & it also delivers that.

Ratings

Stef: 2.5 C.H.U.D.s
L: 2.5 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 2.5 C.H.U.D.s

21 – Forbidden Fruits – 2.75

Spooky mean girls, peak capitalism, male-centered horseshoe theory

I don’t know if it’s my keen instinct to not get hexed or my mild to moderate germaphobia but there is no amount of money worth ingesting what was in that boot. I’m good. — L

Ratings

Stef: 3.5
L: 2.75
Average: 3.25 (or 3.125 if you’re a nerd)

22 – Shiver – 0.5

Bro do you even lift?, old man behavior, an absolute slog

I’m going to invite dude over. *glass shatters & “I Won’t Do What You Tell Me” plays* For real though, you can’t convince me that low iron John Oliver could best any of the depicted victims when my middle-aged ass can leg press bigger than him. I also formally retract the idea that I have old man energy, yes I’m cranky, yes I like to wear tall pants, yes Grandpa Highcock is my hero; but I do not make my deficiencies other people’s fucking problems, that’s what a journaling practice is for, duh. — L

Ratings

Stef: 0.5
L: 0.5
Average: 0.5