A Ghost in the Magazine, 31 Days of Horror: Week 1, Nerd shit

by Stef Nunez & LE Francis

We’re back with another October of horror movie picks. Our second episode is out now wherever you listen to podcasts, but if you don’t have time for the full episode, here’s a quick breakdown of our opinions.

The Last Video Store

Nostalgia for the sake of it, cursed media, unserious/unscary

I mean I guess the best guy to take on the tape version of the necronomicon would be a nerd with a hyperfixation on bad movies, but do you really want to trust a guy who stashes an extra beer in the couch? Under your ass bro? Isn’t it going to get warm? What are you European or some shit? (That’s actually pretty cool, I want a sexy accent & healthcare.) — L

This movie was super campy and fun at first, kind of giving cheesy B horror meets a Nickelodeon show. But it was just entirely too long & meandery & would have been better as a short (sorry). — Stef

Ratings

Stef: 2.5 C.H.U.D.s
L: 3 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 3 C.H.U.D.s (or 2.75 C.H.U.D.s if you’re a nerd)

Touch Me

Everyone sucks here, horny jail, unserious fun

SPEAKING OF TENTACLE MONSTERS. What the hell was this? In a good way, but still, wtf? I’m actually mad that this movie was way more fun than I expected. I really wanted to dislike it because it has highly questionable elements, and the bitch who read the necronomicon, but unfortunately, I laughed a lot. — Stef

I’m grounded. Don’t ask me. — L

Ratings

Stef: 3 C.H.U.D.s
L: 4 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 3.5 C.H.U.D.s

Buffet Infinity

Burger Infinity when I’m hungry, thinky conversation piece, peak performance cosmic horror

This is the typa shit Lovecraft should have been on instead of being scared of everyone hotter than him & pissing his pants. A lingering dread told through dated local TV ads that made me think of the golden days of cable television & “Honk when you drive by Vern Fonk” ads pissing my dad off while my family ate dinner in front of the TV. — L

I appreciate the nostalgia + WTF factors of this movie. Super unique storytelling form as ads that get progressively weirder and more ominous is what put this at the top [for me]. — Stef

Ratings

Stef: 4 C.H.U.D.s
L: 4 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 4 C.H.U.D.s

The Kindred

Gloopy science bitch contamination, actual nostalgia, blank canvas main character

This movie has so much of what I love! The classic 80s goopy gross-out was on 10 and it had ugly little (and large) tentacle monsters, like hello? It’s weird science at its finest. Moral of the story? Don’t cheat on your girlfriend, cus the side chick might have gills. — Stef

I’ve watched so many movies like this, in fact I probably watched this movie. This is exactly the typa shit my mom was on in the late ‘80s & early ‘90s. Eureka’s Castle in the morning, The Kindred in the evening. I’m normal, I swear. — L

Ratings

Stef: 4 C.H.U.D.s
L: 3.5 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 4 C.H.U.D.s (or 3.75 if you’re a nerd)

Monolith

Spooky podcast shit, maybe an alien, fight or flight or ask penetrating questions

This movie is proof that while I worked as one for a few years, I’m not a journalist at heart. Because if I’m puking black bricks & seeing my doppelganger, I’m simply getting the fuck out & not waiting around to see if I can ask myself some hardball questions. — L

All my chuds are for Lily Sullivan from Evil Dead Rise, and the fact that this movie centered around a podcast. That’s always going to win me over even if the plot was mid (again, sorry). My sole wish for this film was that they went a different direction in the end. Also, fun fact, if a doppleganger of myself every mysteriously shows up, I’m not talking to her, I’m throwing hands immediately. — Stef

Ratings

Stef: 2 C.H.U.D.s
L: 3.75 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 3 C.H.U.D.s (or 2.875 if you’re a nerd)

Marshmallow

Every trope imaginable, a good EMF pulse could fix it all, they’re robots actually

I was immediately pissed at the lack of consequences for the camp bully, who was ridiculously mean, but it makes sense once you realize what the movie is about. I really wasn’t invested in any of these characters beyond that, maybe at this point I just don’t care for anything that centers around children. — Stef

It’s a cute idea for a minute but fuck them AI kids, shit’s dystopian. — L

Ratings

Stef: 1.5 C.H.U.D.s
L: 3 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 2.5 C.H.U.D.s (or 2.25 if you’re a nerd)

First Contact

Dead dad was into some shit, sibling rivalry melodrama, nihilistic alien dweebs

It’s prob just my cutesy, aesthetic libra moon placement but I’m not digging the scrotal spider design of the aliens. — L

MID. Everybody was really dumb in this movie…what’s the fixation on finishing up your deceased parent’s crazy work once they’re gone? The imagery of the people afflicted by the aliens (maybe) was pretty cool, but I’m still stuck at the beginning of the movie where the sister wants to sell the house her brother is clearly living in. — Stef

Ratings

Stef: 1.5 C.H.U.D.s
L: 2.5 C.H.U.D.s
Average: 2 C.H.U.D.s