From flesh-bound books to spiked psychedelics, every Eric brings chaos.
Well hello, hola and HOWDY! This column has obviously taken a very long snooze, but I’m rejuvenated and back to my regularly scheduled shenaniganery. Normally I’m here for a loudly opinionated and verbose horror film summary, but this time I’m here to offer a sort of…warning.
With the state of the world being what it is, you really never know when you’re going to find yourself in a standard horror movie scenario. I’m sure everyone has heard the basics: Run out the door not up the stairs; Don’t investigate the spooky sound; Basements, closets and attics are an absolute no no. YES, that’s all very sound and accurate, however, the advice I’m about to offer is very niche yet very helpful.
If you ever find yourself in suspicious occurrences that seem a little familiar, like the plot of a horror movie you’ve seen before, do not under any circumstances INVOLVE A MAN NAMED ERIC! I’ve seen enough in my years of viewership to know that no matter how you spell the name, Erics tend to bring big trouble.
Here’s a countdown of some of the most sus Erics:
5) Eric Schroeder in The Maze (2010)
Sin: Wears a creepy white mask and silently stalks teens in a corn maze, slaughtering them for sport.
Quote: There is no quote because Eric never spoke but if he did… “Tag. You’re Dead.”
Thematic Curse: This Eric is silent violence. The mute killer who, unfortunately, knows the terrain better than you. He’s your repressed rage made manifest – the kind of Eric who knows your secrets, and then kills you with them.
4) Eric in Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge (1989)
Sin: Dies in a fire, comes back & stalks his ex-girlfriend in the air ducts of a mall. Creepy love letters start to appear but, spoiler alert, his ex is not into it.
Quote: “He’s dead…isn’t he?”
*Cue a flame-scarred Eric watching from the shadows.
Thematic Curse: This Eric is the revenant ex who can’t take a hint. He’s a possessive ghost with a slasher complex.
3) Eric in Archons (2018)
Sin: Hands his friends, who are also his bandmates, and a groupie they adopted in the forest, tabs of what he says are acid, but is actually an experimental spiritual drug.
Quote: “It’s just acid, relax.”
*Spoiler alert: It’s literally not acid, bro. It opens them up to shadow creatures causing their reality to unravel, their sanity to dissolve, and their foreheads to explode.
Thematic Curse: This Eric is the false prophet of chill. He pretends to be the “cool friend” but he’s actually the harbinger of doom via bad vibes.
2) Eric Whitlock in The Screaming Skull (1958)
Sin: Gaslights his new wife while using a screaming skull puppet to scare her to death and take possession of her inheritance.
Quote: “You’re just imagining things again, my dear.” — Eric, after planting literal human remains around his house.
Thematic Curse: This Eric is toxic masculinity with a (highly unflattering) Gothic twist. The kind of man who insists that you’re “too emotional” while he’s literally driving you to a breakdown. The real horror here isn’t ghosts – it’s marrying an Eric.
1) Eric in Evil Dead (2013) – AKA the worst offending Eric
Sin: Reads the Necronomicon even though it is BOUND IN HUMAN FLESH and literally says “DON’T READ”. He unleashes demonic possession on his friends, one who is going through drug withdrawal. He is the only reason anyone dies at all, and the only reason the abomination rises. What a jerk.
Quote: “Don’t say it. Don’t read it. Don’t hear it.” — The Book
“…But what if I did all three?” — Eric, basically
Thematic Curse: This Eric is the embodiment of academic arrogance. He sees something dangerous and thinks he’s the one guy smart enough to mess with it because he’s a teacher. If it wasn’t enough that the book is made of skin, it was found wrapped in barbed wire in a burnt up basement room that had so many dead cats hanging from the ceiling. Sir, what??? If he lived, fire him and send him directly to jail.
Just for funsies I even made a convenient chart to easily spread the good word against Erics in a horror movie scenario. My sincerest apologies to all of the innocent Erics…you can blame these guys!
Stef Nuñez (she/they) is the Editor-In-Chief of Sage Cigarettes Magazine as well as unhinged co-host of A Ghost in the Magazine & The Annegirls Podcast. M-F 9-5 she works in the South Florida high fashion scene, but at night and on the weekends she is a feral horror mami who frequents film and music festivals. OH, and she’s a poet.
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