by LE Francis
Did you ever wonder what it would be like if Bram Stoker’s infamous vampiric prince teamed up with Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s arch INTJ Victorian detective? Yeah, me neither but I found this paperback in a thrift store and can’t resist impeccable marketing so I read it.
Did I regret my purchase? Eh. Yet, with a plot that managed to stumble over itself & double back in a vain attempt to conceal an obvious set-up that had been carefully staged over multiple chapters, Fred Saberhagen’s “The Holmes-Dracula File” was a reasonably amusing way to bleed all joy out of a Sunday afternoon.
The best part of the whole thing was a fated meeting broken up into weirdly framed chunks of both viewpoints — Dracula and Watson — where Holmes & Dracula realize they’re more than just an unstoppable bourgeois crime fighting supergroup but bluuuuhd relatives.
Oh, and there was some shit about a rat and a bunch of Cockney-accented ruffians who would have been pretty if they weren’t so poor or some shit but all that was resolved because Sherlock and Vlad are stock white guys that nobody can tell apart.
Fred, my dude, good effort but you set up a thousand more interesting stories in the margins. You’ve got Vlad & Mina’s hellspawn & Sherlock’s evil twin, & we’re talking about smelling carbolic acid & rat shit for 250 pages.
I don’t know, pretty scary, man. Would I read it again? No. Should you read it? Only if you will send me a detailed email of all of your thoughts. I’d enjoy reading that.
LE Francis (she/her) is not a serious person, but on her better days functions as Sage Cigarettes’ content coordinator & a sometime host/editor of the Ghost in the Magazine podcast. She does other things too & is a solid advocate for our boy, the pleasantly dry grandpa of peace, harmony & boner-flattering slacks, Brick Bardo Highcock. You can find her on Twitter @nocturnical, on Instagram @n0cturnical, or at www.nocturnical.com
